Reflection: Baroness Hunt on Courage and Conviction

Official portrait, Baroness Hunt of Bethnal Green Wiki Image

Baroness Ruth Hunt of Bethnal Green, former Director of Stonewall, gave the following University Sermon during Inter-Collegiate Evensong at the Church of St Mary the Virgin, University of Oxford Sunday 6 February...

Courage and Conviction...

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of our hearts be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord our rock and our redeemer.

I want to begin by thanking Hannah for inviting me here today. I have been a Christian all my life and though I won't be sharing that story today, I want to take a moment to acknowledge how moved I am to be here. When I was a student in 1998, I was (and am) a practicing Catholic but it felt, in those days, as if you could join Lesbian and Gay Soc, or CathSoc, but not both. I therefore kept my faith in the closet - attending local churches and sitting at the back. This is therefore the first time I've been in this building and I am acutely aware of what that signals and represents, to me personally, and more broadly.

During the last two years, I've had something of a crisis of confidence. I had worked at the charity Stonewall since 2005 and left in 2019. Although I didn't always publicly align my faith with my activism, me and God had an arrangement. I would dedicate my life to improve this country for LGB people and he would give me signs that I was doing what he wanted me to do. The signs kept coming; every conversation - even the most hostile - led to a positive shift somewhere for someone. It was a relentless but satisfying task.

During my time as CEO (from 2014 to 2019) something different happened. Hostility towards trans people became vocal and vociferous, and often deeply personal. Social media led to the delineation of 'sides' whether it was about LGBT rights, cycling, Brexit or even a TV programme. I did my best and worked hard. I had purpose but I also began to experience uncertainty. Why was I failing to prevent these so called 'culture wars? What should I do differently? Had I messed up? Did I have too big an opinion of my influence? Should I have said that? Done that? Thought that? And where was God?

I left Stonewall in 2019 and, as well as starting a business with my partner Caroline, I joined the House of Lords. I published Queer Prophets with Harper Collins - trying to bring God into this mess. Soon after, Caroline's parents died, after a period of illness. And then covid hit. We planned for six months and 18 months on we are all still navigating this uncertain world. And I could not work out what God wanted from me.

Uncertainty became unsafe for me. I felt unstable. In the Lords I felt too gay, too young, too inexperienced, too too much of the wrong thing. What did God want from me? I turned to the Bible and looking for comfort, returned to the Book of Ruth and the story of Thomas. I was named for Ruth in the Bible and my brother Tom for Thomas. I've therefore known both stories all my life. I didn't want to think hard thoughts. I just wanted to be reminded of the safety and comfort of the Bible.

The story of Ruth and Thomas have always been inspirations to me. Both Ruth and Thomas acted in ways that weren't expected. Ruth stayed with Naomi when convention said she should leave, as Oprah did. I am sure I am not the first lesbian to have the words 'where you go, I go, where you stay, I stay, your people shall be my people and your God my God' at their civil partnership. Ruth and Naomi may have had an entirely platonic relationship but the love they held for each other was, and is, deeply moving. Thomas didn't believe the other disciples. He challenged his friends and asked the difficult questions. Ruth and Thomas were brave.

So Ruth and Thomas were brave. Did something different even when people disapproved. I'd always found this inspiring but now I just felt under pressure to get my act together. Again, what did God want from me?

I had tea with Father Pat, the first Catholic chaplain at Westminster. I talked to him about Ruth and Thomas and how much I liked them. He said that what he was struck by both Ruth and Thomas is that they were both experiencing profound grief when they defied expectations. They acted with their convictions when they were experiencing pain and uncertainty.

I re-read with this lens and it became clear. Thomas is almost irrational in his insistence that he wants to put his finger 'where the nails were' before he will believe that Christ has returned. In the chaos of their uncertainty, Ruth and Thomas find a more profound connection with their conviction - and with God - than they might have done had they not experienced such pain and uncertainty. Their actions are messy - perhaps even irrational - but rooted in conviction and it's where they find God.

As I find my different voice, God is speaking to me with a different voice too. He doesn't require me to consistently deliver on time, on budget and above specification. He doesn't need me to be Sure. He's ok with mess. With uncertainty. As Leonard Cohen says "forget your perfect offering: there is a crack in everything. It's how the light gets in." And as Julian of Norwich says (and I even have a tattoo that means I shouldn't forget this) - sin is necessary. Mess is necessary. Uncertainty is necessary. I am not alone in my grief and uncertainty and if I stop resisting it, God might work with me, with that uncertainty rather than despite it, impatient for me to 'get sorted'.

Uncertainty isn't going anywhere and we cannot deny the grief we are experiencing, individually and collectively. I am beginning to believe that the grief and uncertainty might give us the opportunity we need to connect with our convictions in a different and more profound way. It might open us up to God in new and unexpected ways. Our aspirations to exist in a world that is safe and certain is not what God planned for us. It's not the life that Christ led, or his disciples. We are meant to be lost at times and if we let ourselves, we might find God in new ways and be brave in new ways. I am now experiencing God in new ways. I feel Him with me when I speak in the Chamber. When I have that tricky (sometimes inconclusive but necessary) conversation. When I feel adrift. As my rector Mother Erin reminds me, I may be a Lord but God is the one and only Lord. And I am beginning to find peace in my uncertainty and achieving more because of it.

We all, I think, know the Lord's prayer. There is a part of the Lord's prayer that I find very hard to follow. We ask God to forgive our trespasses - that's straight forward for me and one of the perks of being a Christian. But 'as we forgive those who trespass against us'. Now that's a much harder proposition. It takes a huge amount of courage and conviction to forgive those who trespass against us. But I think God is also asking us to forgive ourselves for our 'imperfect offerings'. And that's even harder, perhaps.

So be kind to yourselves during these times of uncertainty. Allow yourself to be uncertain. And forgive yourselves.

May you find peace with uncertainty and may God be with us always. Amen.